Pr. Phil encourages making a change during Lent to help us observe this season of self- examination and repentance. It doesn't mean we have to give something up; instead, it often means adding something or taking on a project or task. I thought it would be a good idea to keep a Lenten Journal, and I originally had in mind a hand-written notebook journal. But on Ash Wednesday I read Pr. Phil's Living the Lectionary Blog (http://www.livingthelectionary.blogspot.com/) and wrote a comment. If you have ever signed up to follow a blog or to comment to a blog, you know that during the process you are given the option of creating your own blog. I realized that writing the response was a pretty free-flowing process. That, coupled with the idea of not having to keep up with another notebook, got me to thinking. Maybe a virtual journal would allow me to be more spontaneous and productive. So that is how this started. It was great! The ideas were flowing fast and furious (so to speak) for the first few days and I was really excited. I wanted to share it with others and I did, at first. But as soon as I started sharing my "success" I started getting this yucky feeling about it, and the words weren't as free-flowing as before.
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." ~ Luke 9:23 This was our memory verse in FP4H last week, which also happened to be the week I was going to lead the class discussion. Naturally I was being a little more studious than on previous weeks' lessons, and I was praying for the Holy Spirit to guide my study and my understanding. As is often the case, I got more than I bargained for in answer to my prayers. It was as if this lesson was aimed right at me. It was called "How to Let Go of Control." I won't go into a lot of detail, but suffice it to say that I understood that yucky feeling was my ego struggling for position with the Spirit of Christ living in me. I had been so blessed by that Spirit in my writing, but I proceeded to share it as if it were all me. My words, my inspiration, my gift. Which, if you have read my blogs - especially the early ones - you might wonder how I missed this point. By the time the day of our meeting rolled around on 3/3, I was working through the dilemma, trying to learn what it meant for me to deny myself and take up my cross and follow Christ. I have asked my small groups for support through prayer and I too pray that I stay on track.
It helps that God has such a rich sense of humor and generous spirit. This week's lesson is on A Community of Encouragement. It's almost as if God is saying "Can you hear me now?" Yesterday's lesson was particularly applicable as it related to dealing with spiritual "blind spots." I didn't have to think very hard to admit the plank in my eye that had caused my blind spot. The real test though, may be in keeping my safety goggles of humility and submission on through the remainder of Lent, avoiding flying bits of ego and self-centeredness as I continue trying to carve my spirit into a closer likeness of Jesus.
Good and glorious God, as Intern Ellen spoke this morning, you are a Lord of infinite grace. I thank you for your mercy when, like the Israelites I am stubborn and reckless with that grace. Forgive me for my selfishness, and help me control the impulse to share accomplishments you enable me to achieve as if they were my own. Enable me as well-or instead-with the gifts of humility and compassion. Break my heart anew each day if that is what it takes for me to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Jesus. In your Son's holy Name, Amen.
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