Moving Pictures

Moving Pictures is a poem I wrote a year or so after my parents passed away. I am blessed to have grown up in such a loving home with parents who taught me that life doesn't have to be perfect to be good, and neither does faith, so long as that faith is in a gracious God who loves his imperfect children with an oh so perfect love.

Moving Pictures

Familiar things
No longer common
Little nuances, small gestures
Gone from the every day world
Such inconsequential things
Once so numerous they cluttered my senses
And went unnoticed
Now counted and numbered
Like treasure grown more valuable with time
Not gone from my life
Just hidden away where,
Unlike treasures held in the hand
I can recall them easily
From flashes and small reminders
Of what I once took for granted
Imprinted like some rare film
Moving pictures with scent and sound
I close my eyes and wait, anticipating
While images emerge and voices echo
And…it is all there…
Loving eyes and gentle hands
Ageless faces, the first I knew,
Smiles and laughter, smells and tastes
Conversations-with words and without
Goodnight kisses and jigsaw puzzles
Lazy summer days in the shade
Tractor chugging in the distance
Cold winter evenings by the fire
Soft, deep voices, murmuring and chuckling
Love and humor and warmth and strength and
Joy, knowing they are with me still.

Thank you perfect Lord, for my imperfect parents who loved me and taught me to appreciate the unique imperfections in myself and those I love. Thank you for the one perfect truth that is Jesus, perfect Word made imperfect so he could be the perfect sacrifice for the sins of an imperfect world. Amen.

Giving Christ Control

This is a bit different from most of my blog entries. Today is our wrap-up celebration of our 12-week First Place 4 Health Group. As our final assignment, we are summarizing the benefits of committing 12 weeks to God, allowing him to transform us through this program and Bible study, "Giving Christ Control." We are looking at four specific areas for significant impacts: mental health, emotional health, spiritual health and physical health. We are also reflecting on the relationships we have formed during this time.


I have to say up front that I started writing my Lenten Blog about halfway through this 12-week journey, so the two experiences are woven together for me, and I cannot reflect on one without reflecting on the other. God has used both of these tools to transform me, and I am doubly blessed by his grace and timing.

I have realized I need to be more mindful of my thoughts and my words. At the same time I am trying to become a better listener, focusing less on my own thoughts and words and more on the other person talking. For the last few years I have been searching for ways to "be in God's presence." I think this Bible Study has helped me realize the irony of those efforts because all I really have to do is to just "be present." To be still and quiet, let the future stay in the future, let the past slip into the past, and just be present, be here and now,  BE and not always DO.  Believe it or not, this is the mental change I am experiencing. It's about controlling my thoughts, focusing on what is positive so I can be encouraged and encourage others.

Perhaps I have been most profoundly impacted by this study emotionally. You see, for some years now, I have been going through a "blue period" some time between Christmas and Easter. Some years I get depressed, sometimes I'm just quiet and reserved. It drives Jerry up the wall because he thinks I'm mad. It's hard to explain, but I think it's partly chemical effects of the long, dark winter days. However, my Mom passed away in January of 2000 and my Dad in December of the same year, and I think that's when it started. This year I have been able to work through it and have hardly been affected at all. I attribute this largely to the Bible Study, the group support and journaling. Of course improving my diet and increasing my exercise probably hasn't hurt either!

With regards to impacts to my spiritual health, I really cannot separate Bible Study from blog. However, I can say that FP4H and the Bible Study have helped me develop this vehicle for sharing my spiritual journey. Obviously the fact that we have been doing this program during Lent has added an even greater spiritual dimension to the process too.  The scripture readings, memory verses, and especially the group discussions have sparked many of the ideas I've explored on my blog. All of these are helping me understand the areas where I need to give Christ control. For instance, I'm developing a better appreciation of my prayer life. I am more equipped to take advantage of quiet time when it presents itself, to reflect on, listen to and breath in the Holy Spirit of Christ.

One of the main reasons I wanted to join this group was to see if it could really help me to lose a few pounds. My diet was already pretty healthy, but it was definitely too much of a good thing. I needed to get a handle on portion control, be more mindful about what and how much I was eating, and increase my exercise. Using the food tracker helped me get my diet under control, and Jerry's advice to step out of my comfort zone at the gym helped increase the intensity and duration of my workouts. My goal was to lose about 14 lbs (according to my bathroom scale), and as of last week, I had lost 15. I had actually convinced myself that I would probably never get that weight off. The bad news is, because I thought that, I got rid of all those clothes that were too little. Oh well. I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled that this was so easy, but that's what happens when we let Christ have control. I pray for his continued guidance to help me keep the weight off and stay healthy.

I first learned about the First Place 4 Health program from Cathy two years ago. I am in a small group with she and Leslie, and after seeing the transformation they underwent, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, I wanted to try it. Now I can honestly say that FP4H is an awesome program, and with this Bible Study, it has enabled me to change and improve my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health by giving God control and taking responsibility for my choices. But it just wouldn't work without the support of the group. Each person in this group has encouraged me and blessed me with their fellowship, their shared experiences, and especially their prayers. I have also had the privilege to share with, encourage and pray for them as well, and I am grateful for these friends old and new. I have to say that I have been most encouraged by my husband and partner, Jerry. I wasn't sure he would do this with me, but once he committed to it, he was completely on-board. We have done the Bible study lessons together each morning and have had a lot of really good discussions. We have been a real team, holding each other accountable and inspiring each other to step outside our comfort zones. I am blessed to be married to my best friend and to have been able to share this experience with him.

Thank you good and gracious Father, you always know what I need.  Help me to commit my will to yours every day, giving you control and letting you lead me through the dance of life. You have blessed me with a partner to share my life with. Continue to bless us and our relationship, reminding us we can always give if we first take time to receive, to be filled so we can be emptied, to be made useful like broken shards of clay in the hands of the Potter. Amen.

Jesus is the answer

I couldn't figure out what that funny sound was until I suddenly recognized the familiar ring of my cellphone. Who would be calling in the middle of Sunday School? I saw my daughter's name but thought it might have been my granddaughter Rebekah playing with the phone. "I'll call her back as soon as the class is over," I thought as I sat back down to finish the game the third-graders were playing. I felt a little uneasy because I knew she wouldn't have called unless it were an emergency, but the bell had rung and we were finishing up. When I saw Jerry through the window outside the door I knew something was wrong. I stepped out into the hallway and he gave me the news. Carlos, Rebekah's Daddy and Melissa's boyfriend, had been in a serious car wreck and had been taken to the ER. Melissa needed to drop almost-two-year-old Rebekah off on her way to the hospital.The next thirty minutes seemed like an eternity as I waited for them to get to the church. All kinds of thoughts were running through my head. How bad was Carlos hurt? Is he conscious or in pain? Is he going to survive? What if he has profound injuries? What will they do? He's a policeman, does he have insurance to cover his needs? He had just bought a house, will he lose it if he can't work? He and Melissa aren't married, what will happen to she and Rebekah? How will Melissa be able to cope with this, finish her last semester of college, and take care of Rebekah? Will she be able to cope emotionally? Will Carlos? Will this draw them together or drive them apart? Lots of questions, and I had no answers.

But Pr. Phil told us once that it doesn't matter what the question is, Jesus is always the answer. And the more that hinges on the question, the more we need to seek Jesus as the answer. So I prayed. I told Pr. Phil and asked him to pray for Carlos. I asked friends to pray. Van had Jerry and the Men's Group circle up outside where they were smoking chickens to pray. Within that 30 minutes, there were a lot of prayers being lifted. And I knew Carlos' family and friends were praying too. There's power in prayer, I know that. I also know the answer to prayer isn't always what we want it to be. This time it was. That tells me that God isn't through with Carlos yet, so I will continue to pray. I will pray that God's will be done because I know that he is a good and gracious God whose love for us and whose power and mercy are without bounds. He wants the best for us that life can offer: the best love, the best healing, the best relationships, the best forgiveness, the best gifts, the best peace, the best joy, the best trust, the best compassion, the best fellowship, the best faith, the best strength, the best humility, the best wisdom, the best of anything and everything. But we can only experience that best when we trust God and submit our will to his. I will pray for Carlos, for Melissa, for our family and for Carlos' family, that we never forget the gift we have been given. Maybe for Carlos, life will never be as easy as it once seemed, but maybe it will hold a different kind of value. It is still life, it is still a gift, and it is still full of possibilities because "Whatever is impossible with men is possible with God." ~Luke 18:28.

Today, in his Living the Lectionary blog, Pr. Phil wrote about Psalm 31. Used during Lent, it expresses the psalmist's suffering and hardships endured. But for every lament of sorrow the answer of Jesus steps in, turning them to statements of victory through faith. My question is, will I moan about my worries to a world that will at some point or other turn its back and disappoint, or will I carry my sorrows to the cross where Jesus beckons the weary to lay down their burdens and find rest? His promise is eternal and never-changing. Jesus is the only answer for those who truly want the very best life.

All praise to you Lord God Almighty. You who live and reign forever and ever. You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End and Everything in between. Fill me daily with the answer of your love and grace, even before I am faced with the questions of life. You are all I need to know to pass every test. Amen.

A matter of perspective

According to Swiss physician Paul Tournier, "There are two things we cannot do alone. One is to be married, and the other is to be a Christian." This quote was part of our FP4H lesson week before last. It put me in mind of a poem by John Donne, a 16th century English preacher who happened to be a poet. (My early English Lit Professor, Jim Colquitt would probably have argued that Donne was a poet who happened to be a preacher.) Donne wrote:

No man is an island, entire of itself
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were
any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls
it tolls for thee.

Donne believed that we are connected, so anything that affects one affects us all. The custom in his day was to ring a bell when someone died. So if the bell tolled, then it tolled for all, because everyone was affected by the death of one person. But that was long, long before radio, television or the Internet. We can sit in the comfort of our living room and watch news programs tolling the death bells for people and hardly be affected at all. It's all a matter of perspective, and our modern day perspective is nowhere near what John Donne's was.

So, if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well, obviously it does. It is not in a vacuum, so it will create sound waves. But if those sound waves are not perceived by anyone, then it is not heard. Though it creates a crashing cacophony of noise, no person is affected by that tumult because they do not hear it. That's a matter of perspective.  But how many times are we surrounded by clamoring noise that we can't help but hear and we are still unaffected. Could that be a matter of perspective too?

What does Jesus teach us about perspective? Throughout the Gospel, we are reminded to not only hear Jesus' words, but to listen and perceive or understand them and allow them to affect us. Jesus had much to say and teach, and those who perceived--who listened--not just with open ears, but with an open heart and mind, were changed. Those like the Pharisees, who heard but did not listen/perceive were like rocks, remaining closed-hearted, closed-minded, and unaffected.

We are meant to be changed by the message Jesus brought of God's freely given gift of grace. We deceive ourselves by thinking for one minute that we can just say, "Oh cool, I'd like some of that free grace, add it to my shopping cart. Even if I don't have an immediate use for it, it's not costing me anything." Grace is not a one-way street. If we think we've accepted it, but are not affected, not changed; we have not listened and we have not understood. Grace is not static. Our Baptism does not come from, nor is it meant to produce still waters. We are meant to be caught up in the rippling waves of grace, washed along in their wake, constantly in motion, grace in and grace out, in a never-ending stream of life-giving cause and effect. Only through grace can we live into Christ's command to love others as he loved us. Only through grace can we be transparent, allowing others to perceive Jesus, not ourselves. To perceive the love of God in me, by grace, through Christ Jesus.

It is this grace that keeps us from thinking we can be an island unto ourself--a rock, hard, unyielding and unchanging: I am a Rock - Simon & Garfunkel.

Thank you Christ Jesus, for the gift of grace that you bought for us through your own suffering and death. Help us to percieve it with open hearts and minds, to be affected and changed. To be stirred into action, sharing your love with others so they will also perceive your grace and keep the waters ever flowing, we the river, you the sea. Amen.

And the walls come tumblin' down

 Our "comfort zones" have been a frequent topic of discussion around our house for awhile now. When we joined the First Place 4 Health group in January, Jerry and I realized to lose weight we needed to push ourselves out of our comfort zones at the gym . Just last week one of the class instructors was explaining that in order to increase in strength, flexibility and endurance, we have to constantly push past our current level of comfort in our workouts. We have to challenge our bodies to keep improving, just as we have to challenge our minds to keep learning. The approach seems to be working for us, and we've both lost 15-16 lbs. Now Jerry is offering encouragement to our friends who want to drop a few pounds to step out of their comfort zone too.

There are all kinds of comfort zones. Humans are, by nature, creatures of habit and we tend to establish routines in our lives. It's just another form of control, though, and too much routine isn't good for us. Jesus was always shaking things up, challenging his followers to step out of their comfort zones. Of course the Pharisees were the easiest targets. Their comfort zones were well protected by thick walls of man-made traditions and religious laws.  But Jesus' teachings poked holes in those walls time after time. He dined with sinners and criminals; he taught men, women and children, Jews and gentiles; he healed the sick, cast out demons, fed the hungry and forgave sins even on the Sabbath; he brought the dead to life by the power of his spoken word.  Even as the wall of stone they hid behind split in two, or when the stone was rolled away to reveal Christ's victory, the terrified Pharisees still refused to be pried loose from their comfortable beliefs.

So what about me? I do okay pushing past that proverbial "wall" in my workouts, but what about in my spiritual life? I guess I'm doing that to some extent with this blog. Its challenges me to think about and elaborate on questions and ideas about my spiritual journey. It gives me a medium to explore and reflect on how Christ is touching me during this season of Lent. But I think that's why I was so uncomfortable sharing it at first. When I actually realized other people were reading it, I became fearful. It was different to write when I knew I wasn't the only person reading it. But I prayed about it and the Holy Spirit revealed it to me as an opportunity for me to share my love for Christ. Now I write freely and my prayer is for the Spirit to use my words and thoughts to glorify my Savior, not myself. I am just a vessel and I am blessed to be of use.  So where is this Lenten Journey taking me? I still don't know, but I hope it will continue to be beyond my comfort zone.

Walls Come Tumbling Down - Style Council

Jesus my Savior, may I never, ever deny your call for me to step out of my comfort zone in service to you and to my neighbor. Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in us the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and we shall be created and you shall renew the face of the earth. I will go Lord, as you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. Amen.

Living into the hope Christ offers

The movie Hope Floats is one of my all time favorites. I like Sandra Bullock, Harry Connick, Jr. and Gena Rowlands, but it's the relationships that struck a chord with me, and maybe that it took place in the South. There was so much of it that I could identify with. It came out in 1998, a year after my divorce, and while in some ways my situation was exactly the reverse, it was very close in the relationship area. Like Birdee in the movie, almost a year after my divorce I moved to Texas too. But instead of moving back to my roots, I was moving away from them. I left the small town in Alabama where I had lived my entire life to move to the Metroplex. And though my girls were older they still struggled with the way their lives were uprooted and were not happy with my decision. The hardest part, and the part that still stings the most, is that like Birdee, I lost my parents. They both passed away within 2 1/2 yrs after I moved away from them.

There are several good quotes in the movie, and the best, the one that gives it its name, is at the end:  

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..."

I like that quote, but you know, hope doesn't just get you through the new beginnings. Hope gets you through the endings (maybe especially the endings) and through the middle too.

My Pastor has a reference he likes to use, and anyone who is familiar with his blog and/or his sermons will recognize it. He talks about "living into" something: living into the Gospel or living into the question. And lately he has been referring to the Father happening: the Father happens to the son, the Father happens to you and me. I like the way Pastor uses words, taking them out of their normal context and grammatical pattern, he makes something we've heard a million times come alive because we have to look at it from an unfamiliar angle. Maybe that's why I changed up my blog. I needed to look at it differently to bring me back to where I began. To remind me of what I set out to do when I started this project.

I know that's why I moved to Texas. I needed a new beginning, a new perspective. My life was so changed from what it had been for almost twenty years of marriage. I was changed in a way that was new and strange to me. I had been through big changes before. At 17 I became a wife, at 18 I became a mother, at 28 I miscarried and almost died, at 29 I registered for college classes on a whim with no idea of how I would find the time or the funds to make it, and at 34 I went to work full time for the first time in my life. I was ill-prepared for every one of these changes in my life, but I learned, I changed, I adapted and I survived. But at 36 I finally accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior (no fanfare but a very personal encounter), and that was a huge change. I can look back now and see how God was preparing me for the harder changes still ahead of me. He had patiently stood by all my life as I kept him at arms distance. I was in control and I could do it all. Even then he was surrounding me with his saints to love me and pray for me until the day I couldn't hold him away anymore. So when I finally crumbled at the foot of his cross he whispered, "Let go and let Me. Let Me be your strength, your faith, your courage, your life. You don't have to be in control if you just let Me."  So I did. Christ prepared me by teaching me to let go.

Do you know what it takes for a control freak to let go? The absence of hope. You know that saying, "When you reach the end of your rope, just tie a knot in it and hang on?" Well what about when you run out of rope? What about if you have no more strength to hang on? What if, with every fiber of your being, you just want to let go of that rope? That is the point where Christ steps in. He gently replaces the fraying rope in our cramped, calloused hands with the tenderest hope, offered to us in his precious, open, nail-scarred hands.

I think that is what Pastor means when he says to live into our faith. When we can't grasp forgiveness, when we can't quite make sense of it but we know it's important--even vital--to our survival, we have to find a way to just accept it. We can't answer the question, but we can accept not knowing because we trust in the hope Christ brings us. We can't fathom the grace that comes to us in the Gospel, but we trust in that grace and accept it with humble and grateful hearts. Christ died to bring us life. But when your feet have been swept out from under you and you don't know where to turn next, a big new life may be too much to grasp. But hope, that tender, grace-filled hope is something we can accept. The hope of finding solid ground beneath us again. The hope of a new direction, a new beginning, a new life to come. And a Savior who whispers, "Just let go and let Me."

Thank you most precious Lamb of God for your tender and grace-filled hope. For your loving hands that lift us up and your soft, gentle voice calling to us to come home. Help us to live into your grace, letting the Father happen to us again and again, until we can fully live into that bright new life eternal through Christ.  Amen.  

God's will: not always a mystery

If I've heard it once I've heard it a million times--"God works in mysterious ways." We use the phrase to refer to a coincidence, an irony, a chance occurence that never should have happened. But the mysteries of God are much deeper than such improbable things. The mystery of God has to do with making the broken whole, the empty full, the impossible possible.

I check my blog daily even when I don't write anything, and it wasn't until today that I saw Shirley's comment from Friday. I was moved to tears as I read it. And at first I was so torn because I had not seen it and replied before Bill's surgery on Monday. I still haven't heard anything and I have been praying for both Bill and for Shirley. But I checked my blog and I have to believe that there is a reason God didn't want me to respond until today. Shirley, I don't know what that reason is, but whatever words I have today I pray they will be words from God's heart to yours my dear, precious friend.

Before I ever began this blog, I was praying for and following the story of a young woman on CarePages. A coworker knew her from church and told me about her. Her name was Jenny Bizaillion. Jenny was only 31 and was treasured by her family: husband, daughter (9), parents, siblings, extended family and friends. Her faith was a beacon for many people, and because of her CarePages blog, it reached many, many more and continues to do so. her condition was mystery and though she had medical teams working exhaustively around the clock and prayer warriors all over the world praying for her, God took her home. How does a family deal with a loss like that?

Then, last week, a precious lady who was a charter member of our church congregation--Evelyn Wilkerson--had a stroke and passed away. Evelyn had been suffering for years from health issues and was preceded in death by her devoted husband Stub. Her faith had been a beacon to many people also. It is easy to say that because Evelyn had lived a long life, had been suffering for some time and was no doubt looking for the day when she would be reunited with Stub, her death was easier to accept. But she will be missed and her death mourned by many.

I have been thinking about these two deaths. What do they have in common? Not much, although both deaths were followed by memorial services that celebrated their lives rather than mourning their deaths. That's because these two lives had one very important thing in common: their faith which was a beacon to many.

Intern Ellen preached a sermon on Sunday that touched me deeply. Maybe God wanted me to hear it before I responded to you Shirley. Ellen spoke of a pastor whose son was killed in a tragic car accident. He preached a sermon less than two weeks after his son died and thanked everyone for their prayers and encouragement. But he spoke with anger toward those well-meaning but misguided individuals who said that his son's death was God's will. He declared that death was never God's intention! God's intention is for us to live! The last death that God intended was that of his own son. God himself suffered the anguish of losing someone who was part of him. He suffered the separation and emptiness, the broken spirit, the lonliness. Why? Why on earth would he do that? Why on earth?

Ah. There is the mystery. A God who would come down from heaven to walk the earth. To be close to his creation. To understand his creation. More importantly to reach his creation. So his creation, his children, could reach him, understand him and know him. And just how do we do that? We come to him in our brokenness, in our anguish, in our aloneness. It is only when we are emptied of self that he can fill us with his Spirit. It doesn't require that we lose something or that we suffer, but unfortunately that is so often what it takes for us to understand him and to accept his love. It is hard to humble ourselves and submit our will to God's, so we are most vulnerable when we have nothing else left to cling to.

No, death is never God's will, but life is. It isn't his will that Jenny or Evelyn died. Oh, but while they were alive, it was his will that they lived such a life that others were drawn to him through them. It is not God's will that we lay down and die a spiritual death in our grief either. He would have us live lives filled with his grace. Grace to heal our brokenness, grace to fill our emptiness, grace to share our faith and be a beacon like Jenny and Evelyn. They are gone from this earth, but they have not succumbed to death, they have defeated it! They live on in all those who love them, and in that eternal kingdom where there is no more pain or sorrow, waiting for the day when we will all be reunited in a love that will clear away all the mystery and make all things possible.

Loving God, you know all too well the anguish of losing someone we love so deeply that we don't know where we end and they start. In our emptiness, fill us with your Spirit so that, when we have no words to cry out, your Spirit will groan and you will respond. Reach in and lift the pieces of our broken hearts, little by little, until scarred but whole, we can take on the image of your Son Jesus and be a beacon drawing others to his light. Amen.